Monday, February 18, 2008
ive turned to this blog for more personal feelings for this online diary left too much memories i had over the pass few years. and part of me would still want the existence of my LJ partly i can lock it and people who hate me to core will not gossip anything they thought they know/ assume.
CONGRATULATIONS if YOU CAN FIND THIS LINK.
and YAYS! i'll shift again. (:
over these pass 2 years, i dont deny i grew alot. FAR much more than you guys expected. no offence, plainly because i love myself so much that i couldnt bear any more visible scars that is gonna THROW STRAIGHT on my face ANYMORE. PROTECTING myself has eventually become the most prior in my life though i still wanna have fun once in a while.
sometimes i ask myself if my first breakup resulted how i think now and how i want my future bf would like to be. and maybe some reasons why i did not accept any guys who woo me for the pass two years. OH yah! dont ever ask me about my second bf, cause i dont think i remember him even his face at all. and the entire 2 weeks tgt was just a WHITE LIE cause ive never met some one who is so CAPABLE TO LIE to me every single day till the truth falls from his frigging mouth weeks later. regardless of numerics: i have one ex boyfriend.
closer friends like you girls ask me if me and yq would ever patch back. i have an uncertain NO. Simply because the both of us have changed, hopefully for the better. (: and yes, from time to time i do miss him, for i know he is the one only guy who love me till death and even kissed my flaws if i had one. he is not a mr nice i would say but at least, some one who is true to you. the almost a year half together was not for NOTHING. it builds up lots and tonnes of memories and nightmares we had created. everywhere says something about us. every weekend will be filled with our laughters and naggings. we talked so much, about our future about our everything.
and maybe i think he is in love with someone else now and of course, i will certainly bless him with all my blessings, for i just want him to be happy with who he is with, and his girl will be deifinitely like a big baby girl cause he will be like a nanny taking care of her every needs. maybe thats what he really wants which will make him for who he is (: HAA.
yays, this is so much like a cycle. karma had HIT me now. looking how badly he was hurt by me years ago, and how every claws of mine had scratched him hard. saying lies to him and want him to forget me entirely, blogged about how happy i am now and want him to think that my life is so complete without him. but theres one thing i want to confess that he might mistaken ehich was so impt to me. well, till then, if he wants to know. i felt so childish now, realising this sacrifice was like a DOOM. and assumptions like i break up with him because i dont like him was a hell NO. and sometimes i thought retribution will strike back to me if we patch back cause i cant afford to lose anyone i love anymore. or rather, i will want to enjoy my singlehood though i will miss the presence of that guy whom i'm upmost comfortable with. the guy who helped me in my assignments, printing out of thick notes when common test is drawing near, bought my favourite choice of icecream and not afraid that i will grow fat and will crush his bed badly if i tug into his blacket. and i remember the times i will grumble if he doesnt want to meet me. and one xmas season he had to go out of spore with his relatives which nearly got me fuming and upset. despite the kingkong movie which companied us in the noon, it wasnt enough. and i wonder where he had kept the cross-stich patchwork which i did for him. well, theres alot more. breathless if i had to list them down. it was a welldone 2005-2006.
and i thought every choice i made was right. thinking that i would be so happy to see people wooing me. but hell no, i hate the fact when i reject people again and AGAIN, for i know this day will be my turn.
and just before i head for my 1 mth training a few more days later- (with first 2weeks (wed off) and able to go home) LAST 2 weeks- trainings daily except sunday (home sweet home)) you guys will listen to more of my whinings and maybe i will cry alot cause i know it will be hard/draining.
blah blah blahhhhh....
last but not least,
one thing that i cannot deny is my immune is getting so much weaker that i think i can DIE any time. my heartbeat is beating super irregular and sometimes i cant even feel even a thing and i would tug inside my blanket and cry. i so wanna do a whole body checkup real soon but i'm afraid of the results. no worries, i'll just be cheerful as i am for now cause i just want every single day to be filled with my laughters and to spend with people i love. and of course, people who love me.
(: SMILES.
9:30 PM
XiangYing--